Anger is an emotion common to all humans, self-protective in nature.
Anger is an automatic reflexive response to ill treatment or a blocked goal. It is the self-protective state of mind that indicates he or she will not tolerate certain types of behaviour or is determined to reach a goal. The automatic reflexive responses: “fight”, “flight” and “freeze” correspond respectively to the self-protective brain states: “anger”, “fear” and “panic”. Thus anger correlates to the fight brain response.
Prolonged anger can lead to bitterness, and as one person puts it, “Being bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” - Author unknown.
Navigating Conflict:
The Three Levels of Anger - Complaint, Criticism, and Contempt
In the intricate dance of human interactions, conflicts are an inevitable part of the journey when two or more individuals converge. How these conflicts are resolved can significantly impact the dynamics of relationships. Within conflict, there are three distinct levels of anger: complaint, criticism, and contempt.
1. Complaint: Expressing Dissatisfaction
Complaint, the initial stage of anger, arises when one’s behaviour adversely affects another person. This is akin to the common scenario of leaving socks on the floor for your partner to find. Complaints are a natural channel for expressing discontent—a means of addressing specific issues and behaviours. In isolation, they do not pose a grave threat to the relationship. Complaints are, in essence, a plea for understanding and resolution about behaviours that negatively impact the other person.
2. Criticism: Identifying Behavioural Patterns
When complaints recur, patterns of behaviour emerge, giving rise to the second stage of anger: criticism. Criticism extends beyond addressing specific incidents and delves into the recurring nature of problematic behaviour, our personality. It’s not merely about the socks on the floor; it’s about the persistence of neglect, perceived laziness, disrespect, or failure to listen—especially when the socks have been left on the floor for the 8th time.
Importantly, actions can also communicate criticism. For example, leaving the socks on the floor repeatedly might itself signal disregard for a partner’s expressed preferences. Criticism (whether verbal or through actions) encompasses this broader context, focusing on traits or personality and our unwillingness to change when complaints are raised.
In healthy relationships, complaints and criticisms are commonplace, as they reflect the natural ebb and flow of human interaction. They serve as signals prompting self-reflection and change, helping maintain balance within the relationship.
3. Contempt: The Toxic Culmination
When complaints and criticisms fail to elicit meaningful change, the third and most concerning level of anger emerges: contempt. Contempt signifies a significant shift in the dynamics of a relationship.
It transforms the expression of anger into a more destructive force, targeting the other person’s character. Contempt can manifest in overtly aggressive behaviours, such as name-calling, put-downs, or harsh personal attacks. It can also take subtler forms, such as passive-aggressive behaviours or belittling remarks.
Similar to criticism expressed in actions, contemptuous actions go a step further. For example, it might no longer be just leaving socks on the floor but intentionally emptying the entire drawer’s contents onto the floor for the other partner to clean up. This kind of behaviour signals deep-seated disregard and scorn for the other person.
Contempt creates an environment that feels unsafe, toxic, and combative. It erodes the foundation of trust and stability within a relationship. At this stage, anger often leads to a “you versus me” mentality, transforming partners into adversaries or enemies rather than allies working toward restoration and growth.
Conclusion
Understanding the three levels of anger—complaint, criticism, and contempt—is essential for maintaining healthy and harmonious relationships. By addressing complaints and criticisms with empathy, active listening, and behaviour change, we can prevent the toxic progression to contempt.
Ultimately, the goal is to nurture a connection where partners collaborate to build each other up rather than tear each other down. Staying within the realms of levels one and two—complaints and criticisms—can help us avoid the corrosive effects of contempt and foster unity in our relationships.